What's Beer Got to do With It
By Jack Warren
Title: What's Beer Got to do With It
Author: Jack Warren
Rating: PG13 for sexual situations
Summary: Giles takes a regressed Buffy back to her room. He feels uncomfortable and wants to leave, but Cave Buffy has other ideas. Meanwhile Xander and Willow are at Xander's place and rediscover feelings they thought no longer existed between them.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon. I am just borrowing them.
Feedback: I will be grateful for any feedback.
The ape like frat boys have just been driven away. Willow sits holding her head while Buffy still appears to be in her Cro Magnon state. Giles and Xander look at the two of them with concern.
Giles: Are you ok Willow?
Willow: I think so. The stars look very pretty tonight.
Xander: Stars? (the sky is clear) Willow, have YOU been nipping at Black Frost?
Willow: I'm not talking about those kind of stars Dumbo! I'm talking about the kind you see after your head connects with a big wooden stick.
Giles: Much the way Young Parker will feel when he wakes up I'm sure. (indicating the youth whom Buffy had knocked cold only moments before)
Buffy: Buffy feel tired, Buffy wanna go home.
Xander: Right Buff, I'll take you back to your room now.
Giles: (gently restraining Xander) Ah, under the circumstances I think better take her back.
Xander: (offended) What's wrong with me?
Giles: I just feel right now Buffy should be with someone a bit wiser and more mature than you, given her present condition.
Xander: (indignantly) Oh yeah? I'm pretty mature for my age! In fact, I bet I can act more mature than you... when I want to!
Giles: Are you not forgetting that You got her in this condition in the first place?
Xander: Like I knew it all the time!
Willow: (angry and fed up with their bickering) Will you guys just cool it?! If anyone takes Buffy home, it's gonna be me; she's my roommate after all! (Willow tries to stand but dizziness overtakes her and she has to lean against Xander) I'll be alright in a couple minutes, trust me.
Xander: No Will, you better come back with me to my Mom's for awhile, it's closer than the campus. Giles'll look after Buffy tonight. (Willow readily agrees)
As Giles and Buffy walk back to her dorm together, Buffy continues to act in her primitive manner.
Buffy: (sniffing him) Man smell nice even nicer than Boy!
Giles: Yes, Man smell nice. Don't worry Buffy, almost there.
Buffy: Parker bad! Buffy not like him! (Giles merely nods in agreement)
As they enter Buffy's room, Giles flips on a light and surveys the scene. Buffy's primitive paintings are still on the wall above her unmade bed. Buffy walks around the room sniffing. Suddenly she gives an exalted cry.
Buffy: Buffy live here!
Giles: Yes Buffy live here. Now what Buffy needs is rest.
Buffy: (puts her hand on Giles' chest) Man nice, Buffy like Man.
Giles: Yes um, Man like... Buffy, do you know who I am?
Buffy: (nodding vigorously) Yes! You Man!
Giles: No I mean what's my name? We all have names, your name is Buffy, and my name is?
Buffy looks puzzled. She knows who Giles is and wants to say his name, but the word isn't coming to her.
Giles: (slowly and deliberately) My name is Giles.
Buffy: (excitement lights up in her face) Yes! Buffy know Giles! Buffy like Giles! (she embraces him and gives him a passionate kiss) Now we mate!
Giles: (pulls himself away from Buffy with great difficulty) No! We don't mate!
Buffy: (looking sad and pouty) Why? Giles not love Buffy?
Giles: No! I mean yes Giles, I mean I do love you Buffy but...
Buffy: Giles love Buffy and Buffy love Giles so we mate! (she tries to embrace him again but he pushes her off. She comes at him again ready to take him by force. Giles hold up one hand motioning her to stop.
Giles: Please Buffy, sit down. (she sits on the bed but looks anxious to rise) Now please don't get up and don't talk 'til I've finished, alright? (Giles takes a deep breath) I do love you Buffy, I've loved you for years but... until recently I was not sure what type of love it was. I mean first I thought it was a father daughter type love and later I thought it was a sort of platonic love between friends but now... you're very beautiful, (Buffy smiles at this) even looking as unkempt as you do, you are very beautiful. Buffy, I would love to mate with you. (Buffy starts to rise) No please! (Giles holds up his hand and she stops) I would love to have sex with you but (Giles turns away as he says this, unable to look her at her face) I cannot bring myself to take advantage of you, not while you're in your present state of mind. I'm sorry.
For a few minutes, nothing is said. Giles is still turned away from Buffy. Tears well up in his eyes and he takes his glasses off and pretends to clean them.
Buffy: You wouldn't be taking advantage of me, Giles.
Giles turns around with a start, putting his glasses back on and staring at her incredulously.
Giles: Buffy! You're...
Buffy: (smiling) Ta dah!
Giles: How long have you been...? I mean when did you...?
Buffy: Oh just a few moments ago, it was weird! All of a sudden everything seemed to just click back in place.
Giles: Yes um, how much do you remember from before?
Buffy (frowning) It's hard to say. I remember stuff happening, but I just couldn't express myself. It was like trying to speak a foreign language.
Giles: But you understood what I was saying?
Buffy: Most of it, not all. It was like there was a big block of ice surrounding my brain, which is fitting I guess since I probably reverted back to the first ice age.
Giles: Actually Buffy, that was more the stone age. The earliest Homo Sapiens did not exist during that era. I would say your behavior exhibited the latter stages of...
Buffy: Giles! My IQ probably just shot up eighty points in the last five minutes, I really don't want you trying to add a couple more to it!
Giles: Yes of course, you're right. But can you tell me when it was you ah became yourself again?
Buffy (smiling) It was right around the time you were telling me how much you loved me.
Giles: Uh yes, that would have been a good time for you to start comprehending. Look Buffy, what I said was not easy for me to say but I did mean every word. (there is an awkward silence) Well, I'm glad you're back to normal, um, try to get some rest, and I'll... see you tomorrow. (he turns to go)
Buffy: Giles wait!
Giles: (turning back,but his hand is still on the doorknob) Buffy please, it's late, and I really think you need some rest. I'm glad you are ah yourself again, but you've been through an ordeal and I think under the circumstances...
Buffy: You meant what you said about loving me? (Giles nods) Well I meant it too; I just couldn't express myself very good at the time.
Giles: Very well. (unable to resist correcting her)
Buffy: Well. You know what I mean Giles!
Giles: Yes I do. Actually your statement "Buffy love Giles, Giles love Buffy, we mate" was quite elegant considering your ah prehistoric mindset. (Buffy gigles at this) I'm sorry Buffy I just don't think tonight's the right night.
Buffy: Why not?
Giles: Well, I just don't feel that at this moment... do you remember telling me that I smelled nice?
Buffy: I think so.
Giles: Yes well um for right now I'm ah afraid I cannot return the compliment,
Buffy: Giles are you saying that I... (suddenly sniffs herself) Oh my God, I reek! (she runs into the bathroom) Oh ick! I haven't had a bad hair day like this since... I've never had a bad hair day like this! (runs back out) I had no idea I went back to the pre grooming days!
Giles: (trying to comfort her) It's really not that bad, but I think you can understand why a night of uh...
Buffy: No problem, I'll just take a shower.
Buffy: A shower. Cave Buffy may not have known what those funny little knobs mean but Slayer Buffy sure does.
Buffy: Giles please! You're right, I have been through an ordeal and maybe we should hold off until... later, but I'd really like you to stay with me. Please, just for a little while.
Giles: Alright, I'll stay for a bit. Go ahead, I'll just amuse myself, I mean I'll find something to do in the meantime.
Buffy: Cool, you can play some music or turn the tv on, I think there's some sodas in the fridge, help yourself.
Giles: Thank you, would you care for anything?
Buffy: Well.. a pint of Black Frost would be nice. (Giles turns his head and looks at her sharply) Joke. Listen I won't be long, I promise.
Giles: Take your time. (but the door closes and the next sound he hears is running water)
While Buffy showers, Giles turns her tv on. He flips through the channels but sees nothing that interests him. He filters through her cd collection but sees very few names he even recognizes. There is a book on witchcraft lying on top of Willow's desk. Curious, he walks over and begins thumbing through it. The sound of running water is still emanating from the bathroom and something else. Giles cocks his head to hear better and moves closer to the door. She's singing! Giles has never heard Buffy sing before. He can't make out the tune, but she sounds wonderful. She has a pretty voice, and Giles feels a rush of love wave over him. He moves closer until his ear is almost against the door. Just then, all sounds abruptly stop and then there is the sound of a shower curtain being raked aside, and Giles moves hurriedly across the room and sits in Buffy's desk chair, Willow's book still in his hand.
Buffy: (wearing a towel around her head and a larger one around her body) Whew, that felt good! I hope if I ever lose my head again I'll at least appreciate the value of soap. Giles, why are you all hunched over with Willow's book in your hand?
Giles: Hm? Oh I was um just browsing, trying to see what new interests our young friend has in the occult. (Giles closes the book but remains hunched)
Buffy: Sure you weren't seeking a way to cast a love spell on me? (smiling) Wouldn't work, I'm already there. (she grabs some clothing out of here dresser and retreats to the bathroom) Be right back.
As soon as he hears the door close, Giles straightens up. His erection is still in full force. I shouldn't stay here he tells himself franticly and unconvincingly. He hears the sound of a hair dryer blowing and puts Willows Book back on Willow's desk. I'll stick around for a few minutes after she comes out and then go.
When Buffy reappears, she is wearing a pink nightie that shows ample cleavage and barely covers the top of her muscular thighs. Her hair is neatly combed and there is a clean fresh scent about her. Giles' erection returns and this time does not escape Buffy's notice. She walks over and puts her arms around him. They gaze into each other's eyes then kiss passionately.
Buffy: Still want to leave?
Giles: Yes I do. First thing in the morning.
* * * * * * * * * *
Meanwhile back at Xander's house, Xander and Willow are sitting on the couch watching a movie on tv together. Xander's Mom has gone to bed, and they are alone. Xander glances at Willow and lustful thoughts enter his mind, but he tries to suppress them and concentrate on the flick.
Xander: How's the head Will?
Willow: (cautiously touching her lump) It still hurts but at least I don't feel like I've just come out of the spin cycle anymore.
Xander: Glad to hear it. (the movie ends and Willow gets up)
Willow: Well I guess I should be going. Buffy's probably asleep by now, I hope so anyway. Thanks for taking care of me tonight.
Xander: (still feeling a bit horny) Well you don't hafta leave now! I mean I could always put in another movie or uh...
Willow: No Xander it's late and besides, Buffy might wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why I'm not there. I mean after what she went through, someone should be there for her.
Xander: Someone is, Giles.
Willow: Oh come on! You don't think Giles has left already? He's a gentleman; he's not gonna spend the night in a college dormitory!
Xander: I guess you're right, but still... Look Buffy's ok, but we, I mean you and me, well we haven't been together like this in a long time.
Willow: I know and I kinda want to... you know, but I'm still worried about Buffy.
Xander: Well how about if I call her?
Willow: Oh please! She's probably sleeping and even if she isn't, chances are she doesn't remember how to use a phone.
Xander: I don't know about that. Jack said the spell wears off pretty quickly. Besides, what's the difference between me waking her up by phone or you waking her up when you walk in?
Willow: I wouldn't wake her up! I'm very quiet! (realizes she's talking loudly) I'm very quiet, she won't even know I'm there.
Xander: If she won't know you're there, what's the point in being there in the first place?
Willow: Well... (In truth the feelings that had come over Xander had also come over Willow, but she is more hesitant in expressing them. Before she can finish her train of thought, Xander is on the phone.)
Xander: Hi Buffy, it's me. Listen don't be afraid, what you're holding right now is called a telephone. What? You know what a telephone is. Good! You're back to normal? Great! Listen Buffy, I was wondering... (Willow takes the phone from him)
Willow: Hey Buff, it's me Willow. Oh then you're not... oh that's so great! Anyway, I'm just about to leave and... What? You wanna be alone tonight? Would Xander mind if I stay with him? Gee Buffy I really think I should... (Xander grabs the phone back)
Xander: Of course Willow can stay over! No Problemo! Yeah, I guess I'd have a nasty headache to if I was in your shoes. Say Buff, do you know... Hello? Hello! (puts the phone down) Look Will, you can stay in the guest room if you want, I mean I don't want you to think...
Willow: Well... maybe I will. I could go for another movie though. (Xander gets up excitedly) And make it a good one this time or I am definitely sleeping in the guest room!
Buffy and Giles lay together in Buffy's bed, exhausted but not sleepy. Giles is speculatively eyeing the crude mural Buffy has on her wall.
Giles: You know Buffy, for a cave painter that's not bad. I had no idea you had an artistic bent.
Buffy: (cuddling close to him) Giles there's alot you don't know about me. (She frowns) There's alot I don't know about me either.
Giles: What do you mean?
Buffy: Well, all that stuff I said to you earlier? I never could have said any of that if I hadn't become Cave Slayer Buffy. I've loved you for a long time, but I just couldn't say it.
Giles: Yes um, if you hadn't become the Cave Slayer, I don't think I could have said what I felt for you either. (He gives a soft chuckle) Maybe Black Frost isn't such a bad idea after all. (Giles gets up, opens her fridge and pretends to take out two mugs of tainted beer) Here you go Luv, one for you and one for me. (They pretend to drink)
Buffy: Buffy love Giles! Buffy want to mate!
Giles: Giles love Buffy so... (His eyes turn Ripper) we mate!
All is quiet as Buffy and Giles begin to make love again for the final time that night.