AUTHOR: Gabriele Schulz
RATING: NC-17 (there's angst, violence and there's B/G sex, if you don't like that or are a minor, don't read it.)
DISTRIBUTION: The New Buffy/Giles Relationshippers, A Watcher's love. Others please ask first.
SPOILERS: Helpless
FEEDBACK: I'd be thrilled. (Thanks for not flaming ;-)
SUMMARY: An emotional roller-coaster. B/G
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television, the WB Television Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
If you want romance, either skip this one, or if you decide to read it nevertheless, stick till the end. You'll like it. (I hope.)
Also, I'm not sure whether this makes sense at all, but if it does, it's a great story. (Hey, I can like my own story, can't I?)
(I guess the beginning could do with a second draft, but right now, take it or leave it as it is.)
DATE: 4/23-24/99


It was shut. She put in all her strength but the damned door didn't move an inch. She was out of breath, because she had run so fast to follow them, but now they were inside and she couldn't get in. She was fighting the panic, knowing that she had to stay calm to find a way to get inside and save Giles. < If you so much as touch him, you'll beg me to kill you... > But right now the demon, who had captured Giles was in this deserted building - and she was outside trying to open the steel door. She turned around looking for something that would help her to break the door or to get to the windows located a few meters above the ground. She noticed Xander, Willow, Cordelia and Oz running towards her, panting.

"Where are they?"

"Inside," she pointed at the door. "I could see the door close, when I came around the corner."

Then they heard the thundering of an explosion and glass came flying from the shattered windows. They reflexively ducked and shielded their faces with their arms. Buffy was the first to look up again, seeing the fire and smoke streaming out of the broken windows. She could see the others get up and stare blankly at the building. They were shocked. The explosion was so forceful, that nothing inside could possibly have survived. All of them new that this was the only way into or outside of the building. And that meant that Giles was dead. No! She couldn't accept that. In a few steps she was at the door hammering viciously, not caring about the heat or the rough surface of the old and rusting door.

The others stood silent watching her. Willow wanted to go to her, but Oz held her back. Tears were running down her cheeks and he held her trying to comfort her, knowing that nothing would make it better. He stroked her hair watching the others over her shoulder. Cordelia just stared on the ground a frown on her face. She was not crying but the pain was clearly visible in her face. He shifted his glance towards Xander who was crying now, covering his face with his hands.

But it was the sight of Buffy that made him hold his breath. She was banging at the door crying out Giles' name over and over. Then she slid down along the door still banging weakly, the occasional &quotGiles" now desperate. They all just stared at her, as much shocked about Buffy's state as about Giles death. She was nothing but a crumpled bundle, her head against the door, the hands scratching the surface. She was finally weeping, repeating his name in a whisper. Neither of them had ever dreamed of seeing her like that and as much as they could understand her pain, they were scared.

Willow turned around, no longer able to watch her friend go through such pain, without being able to help. Then she saw him. She lifted her head and Oz turned around, when he felt her shift. Willow's face was glowing with joy and relief and she moved away from his arms toward Giles, who was carefully approaching them. His shirt was ripped and his face was scarred, but he was alive! Willow stepped towards him and embraced him. Then Cordelia and Xander noticed them at the same moment. Cordelia exhaled in relief and Xander ran to Giles forcefully hugging him after Willow let go. While Xander still clung to him, Willow, Oz and Cordelia turned to look at the person, Giles was watching now. Buffy was still at the door, unaware of what happened behind her. Giles gently removed Xander's arms and then walked towards Buffy, feeling the intense look of the others. When he reached the door, he knelt down and removed one hand from the door, trying to make her turn, so that she would see him, but she didn't open her eyes.


She turned around in an instant staring at him open-mouthed, before she wrapped her arms around him, pressing him to her with all her force. He could hardly breathe but returned the hug, lovingly stroking her back and her hair.

"Oh God, Giles..." she whispered in his neck. She was still weeping, but she loosened her grip a little and shifted her head to see his face. His eyes were full of understanding and kindness. Then in a sudden movement she lifted her arms wrapping them around his head as she viciously kissed him. His hands dropped to his sides. Her kiss was rough and she practically forced his mouth open darting her tongue inside. He knew that she was out of her mind, but he couldn't help reveling in her actions, even though they were almost too forceful to be pleasurable. He started to move his tongue in return, but the moment she felt it, she withdrew, her hands at her side her eyes staring into his. She was panting.

The others stood motionless, wondering what they would witness next.

Giles looked into her eyes and the sight was frightening him. They were filled with something he couldn't quite put his finger on. There was no rational thought in her right now. He vaguely thought, that probably no one would be able to stop her from doing, what she wanted to do and the fact that he had no idea what it was made it the more scary. He broke the eye contact looking to the others.

"It's late. I think we should go now."

Oz and Cordelia nodded, Xander and Willow just kept staring at him and Buffy.

Giles didn't quite dare to look into her eyes again, so he got up and moved a step backwards before looking down at her. She was still staring at the point where his face had been. He noticed that her hands were clenched in a fist and hesitated a moment before putting his hand on her shoulder.


Her gaze shifted around for a second in confusion before she looked up at him.

"It's late."

She nodded and he helped her up. He pushed her a little and she started walking towards the others her eyes blank, not saying a word. After a second he followed her.


He had driven the others home, not talking after having answered Cordelia's question of how he had escaped. Now he was in front of Buffy's house watching her in the seat next to him. She was still staring out of the front window and he wasn't even sure whether she knew where she was. He was about to tell her when she turned to look at him, her eyes now clearer and very intense.

"Giles, I..."

"You should go to bed and try to sleep," he interrupted her.


"You are upset. You should collect your thoughts before... "

"Before what?"

"Before you say something you don't mean."

"Giles, I..."

"Please. Sleep over it. We can talk tomorrow."

He turned his face to look out at the street. She hesitated a moment before opening the door of the car and getting outside. She looked inside once more, but he kept watching straight ahead, so she wordlessly shut the door. He drove off not looking back, so he didn't see her gazing after him.


She didn't go inside after his car had disappeared. '... go to bed... collect your thoughts... sleep over it...' The only thing she could see was the image of him torn apart by the explosion. Ripped out of life, his own and hers, leaving her empty. She was beyond pain and fear, the only thing left in her was need. The need to know that he was alive. And she felt there was only one way to prove that to herself. She wanted him close to her, as close as possible - inside her. Somewhere inside herself she knew how irrational this was, but the overwhelming part of her was sure that she would go mad, if he didn't fill the emptiness, the thought of having lost him had left inside her. This wasn't about sex, it was just an insane necessity to bring back any rational thinking. She thought of something she had watched on TV a while ago: That some people scratched their skin with a razor-blade, just to feel they're alive.

She was going mad and there was only one way to stop that. She knew that he would do it, the movement of his tongue made her sure of that. He didn't have to love her. She didn't love him. Or did she? But that didn't matter now. The only thing that mattered was her sanity and she started the insane road that would lead her to her goal.


He was in his bathroom, washing the wound in his face. He thought about her. (When didn't he?) He had no idea, what it was she had wanted to tell him in his car, but he knew that whatever it was, it wouldn't have been real. And as much as he dreamed about her admitting her love for him, he would rather not hear it at all, than have to listen to her taking it back, when she could think clear again. And he was sure that she would realize she didn't love him. At least not in *that* way. Not like he loved her. It didn't matter whether that was expedient pessimism or his true belief. It was a necessity, because to hope would mean to let her see. And he had decided to never do that, shortly after he had admitted his feelings to himself on her eighteenth birthday. When the council had fired him, because he had "a father's love" for her. Quentin's words had made him realize, what he had hidden all the time, not only from them but also from himself. That he loved her. Not like a father, but like a man.

When he had seen her crouching at the large steel door, he had felt her pain, and her desperation nearly broke his heart, but there had also been a certain gratitude. To see that he meant so much to her. He knew that he was an important part in her life, but that... was overwhelming. He wouldn't misinterpret her feelings as the love, he only dared to dream (and not to hope) of, but he would treasure the moment nevertheless.


The knocking on the door was frantic. He opened without bothering to look who it was. It could only be her. She must have had decided to come here immediately after he had dropped her at her house. He only got a glimpse of her before she pulled him down to her into an almost violent kiss. She closed the door with one hand, the other holding his head in place. He didn't return her kiss, but he doubted she even noticed. The look on her face had been wanting and nothing else. She was here to do something, she obviously felt, she had to do, and nothing would stop her, least of all he, who desired her, even though he never imagined it like this. He wanted to make love to her, but her eyes were devoid of love or even care. She pushed him towards the couch, unbuttoning his shirt on the way, shoving him down, when she was there, and straddling him, before continuing her rough kiss. She threw the shirt across the room, moving her mouth and tongue away from his lips down his neck. He watched her with amazement and a little fear.

She stopped his "Buffy..." by putting one hand over his mouth and then sliding two fingers in. He couldn't help sucking them. She had moved further down, sliding off him, parting his legs and kneeling between them in front of him, before fastening her mouth on his right nipple. He softly bit her fingers. She pulled them out moving her hand along his chin and then tracing his throat. While her hand wandered further down, she licked her way to his left nipple repeating the sucking and licking until her hand reached his trousers. She lifted her head to look into his eyes, as she unfastened the belt and opened the zipper. She approached his face until they were only inches apart, as if to kiss him again, but she just looked into his eyes. She opened her mouth, but closed it again as she moved away from him, at the same time pulling his trousers and underpants to his knees, just to send them flying across the room, after she had taken off his shoes and socks. He was totally naked now, while she was fully dressed. He was not as aroused, as she had expected, and she thought that must be due to the fear, she thought she saw in his eyes. Somewhere in her mind, she knew, that he didn't want this, at least not like this, but she also thought, that there was a flicker of excitement in his eyes. And as for the state of his penis... She was sure, she could do something about it.

She shuddered at her own thought. This wasn't her. This wasn't right. What had she begun? It was totally insane, but she knew, that the only alternative to going on, was to run out. She pictured herself, almost saw the door closing behind her. And then... She would crack down and weep. And then the emptiness would be there again. No, she had to finish this. Besides she could feel the wetness between her legs. The regrets would come, but know she couldn't let him see her hesitation, or he would talk her out of it, so she pulled her top over her head and let her skirt slide down. She removed her left shoe and kicked away the skirt with the right, before sending the shoe across the room. She exhaled. She stood before him, clad in bra and panties. He watched her, his mouth half-opened, and she suddenly felt an affection, that made her want to kiss his sweet face, but she told herself to go on and not start thinking. She could think for as long as she wanted when this was done. And she would be able to, she could feel that, and she was glad that sanity seemed to return, although it made it a little difficult to go on with the crazy actions, she had started. She pushed that thought away, concentrating on her task.

In one swift move she got out of her bra, not looking at him. She pushed her panties slowly down and got out of them, too. She hesitated a second before looking at him again. He was not smiling, but now the anticipation was stronger than the fear. She felt encouraged and also a little reckless, biting her lip to keep herself from smiling. She knelt down again between his legs, encircling his member with her right hand. She looked up into his face and started pumping, at which he closed his eyes. She smiled. She increased the speed. And when he whispered "Buffy" she took him in her mouth, which caused him to lift his head towards the ceiling and put his hands on her head, not pressing, but gently stroking her hair. His face displayed the agonizing pleasure her actions caused.

"Buffy" It came out distorted by his irregular breathing.

She pulled away. He looked at her shocked and afraid. Afraid, that she would stop. But she wiped that fear away, as she straddled him and impaled herself upon him. He held his breath looking into her eyes. His hands lay on the couch. She put her hands on the back of the couch to the left and right of his shoulders, not touching him, and stared into his eyes before she started riding him. He exhaled and closed his eyes again. Faster. Harder. The sight of him throwing his head from side to side biting his lip and his hands digging in the couch was too much for her. She clenched her muscles around him once more screaming "Now!" as she climaxed and then he too went over the edge.

She collapsed on top of him, their skin finally meeting. They put their arms around each other panting. Her head was leaning against his shoulder her forehead on his neck. The clouds in her mind were washed away and suddenly everything was so clear. The emptiness... the emptiness hadn't been caused by Giles' apparent death. It had been there all the time, cleverly covered by her feelings for Angel and the love and support of her friends. But unnoticed by her there had been a part in her longing for... completeness. And she had never been aware of it. The inner loneliness, the desperation. He had always been there for her, but most of the time, she just hadn't turned to him, not knowing that he was the answer to all her questions, asked and unasked.

She loved him.

She breathed irregularly, not any longer as an aftermath of her climax, but because of the emotions filling her eyes with tears. A single tear ran down her cheek. She knew, she had to tell him. She wanted to, but she wanted to look into his eyes, when she did, and the thought of giving up even a tiny bit of the contact of their skin wasn't inviting, so she lingered a little longer closing her eyes. Finally she shifted her body to look at his face.

He was worried when he saw the tears.


He lifted his hand and brushed the tears away. And when she smiled at him, he smiled back.

"I love you," came her soft words.

The smile on his face faded away. A shudder went through his whole body. He dropped the hand, that had been at her cheek to his side, but left the other around her back. He swallowed, not able to make any sound.

'I love you.' The words echoed in his mind. Could that be? But the look on her face, her eyes said it all. It was written in capital letters, screaming out the words, she had uttered so gently. When the realization of it, the true meaning hit him, he drew her into his arms, still not able to say anything, his eyes filling with tears just like hers. He clung to her his face in her hair. When he finally could bring himself to say something it was just "Oh, God..." before he started crying. She joined him, enjoying the liberating tears. She tried to soothe him, tenderly stroking his hair. When the sobbing subsided, she lifted his head from her shoulder wanting to see his face. She held it with her hands, slightly brushing the tears away with her thumbs.

He gazed into her eyes for a long moment and then said, "I love you."

"I know," she smiled lovingly, "... but I still love to hear it."

He smiled back.

And then they both leaned towards each other for their first kiss, because it really *was* their first kiss. It was tender, but passionate (just like the feelings they had for each other). They took their time to taste each other, learn each other's shape, careful not to miss anything. When her tongue slid into his mouth this time, it was very gentle. He started moving his tongue in return, thinking of how she had withdrawn, when he had done the same thing earlier. < Could it really have been less than an hour? It seemed like ages. > But her only reaction was that she ran her fingers through his hair.

She felt the part of him, that was still inside her, stir and slowly withdrew to smile at him.

"Shall we go upstairs?" he asked.

"You're mad, if you think I'll let you slip out of me."


He put his left arm around her and pushed himself up with the help of the right.


She wrapped her legs around his waist, sending him deeper inside her. He somehow made it around the couch, but when Buffy started kissing his face and his neck he halted, standing next to the first step of the stairs.

"If you don't stop that, we won't make it to the bed and I assure you this will be not very comfortable on the stairs."

"Have you tried?"

She chuckled and he shot her a reproachful look.

"Come on, Giles. We had the terror-angst-insanity part, the rough-sex part, the emotional we-love-each-other experience. Isn't this the fun part?" Her smile gave way to a serious look. &quotThe enjoying-the-love-we-are-so-fortunate-to-be-given part?"

He glanced back seriously. His answer came matter-of-factly.

&quotYou should call me Rupert."

She chuckled into his neck and he continued his way to the bedroom. He gently placed her on the sheets and soon they were in each others arms kissing again.

They did so for quite a while before he slid his hand onto her breast, tracing his finger around the nipple before brushing over it. He then started rubbing it with his thumb, cupping her breast at the same time. It felt so good. He put the hand next to her on the bed to support his weight as he repeated the action on the other breast.

He moved his lips from her mouth down her chin and throat.

"Rupert, you're driving me mad."

"I shall hope so," he said before continuing downwards. Then he lifted his head up again. "And I love it, when you call me Rupert." His mouth was on her body again, so he couldn't see her smile. She put her hands on his head, running her fingers through his hair and pushing him towards one of the nipples that was aching for his mouth. He moved further down and slid out of her, silencing her "No!" by replacing his penis with two fingers and at the same time sucking her right nipple. He started rubbing her clit with his thumb and she moaned.

"That doesn't mean I forgive you for slipping out," she managed before he pushed his fingers further inside causing her to moan again.

He turned his attention to the other nipple alternately sucking and licking before his tongue traveled further down. He stopped only shortly at her navel, then went on further down to replace his thumb with his mouth. She threw her head from the side to side, not able to bring out anything than an ecstatic "Ahhh..."

He pulled his fingers out of her and entered her with his tongue at the same time rubbing her clit with his thumb again. When he started licking her walls it became too much for her. She climaxed screaming his name "GILES!" He slowly pulled out of her and removed his hand, letting her come down.

When she opened her eyes, he said smiling, "Didn't I tell you to call me Rupert."

She got up, mocking an attack and soon had him pinned beneath her. She knelt next to him and looking down stated, &quotMr. Giles, I think you should be careful about what you say to the person who can do this," at which she grabbed his member, "or not do it," dropping it and putting her hands on her hips, a defiant look on her face.

"My dear Buffy, unfortunately I'm no longer 20, well maybe it's not really unfortunate, but anyhow I don't think anyone could make this," pointing at his only mildly aroused penis, "happen so soon again."

She smiled down at him, looking almost mischievous.

"Is that a challenge?"

He wondered whether it would always be like this. So easy. Playful. Fun!

He didn't mind. He knew that their bantering didn't diminish their love. No, their relationship had always had many different aspects. They were teasing each other, protecting each other, confiding in each other. They had relied on each other and they had annoyed each other. The fact that they loved each other didn't change all of that. There would always be moments of weeping and moments of joy. Or like now, moments of fun.

And he looked forward to all of them, knowing the future would be the same - only a lot better.