Saying Goodbye
By Ricca

TITLE: Saying Goodbye
AUTHOR: Ricca
DISCLAIMER:
I don't own them. Just playing with them.
SPOILERS: Season 4
RATING: PG
SUMMARY:
Jesus! What is that!? Kill it! Kill it! Oh wait... that's just Buffy taking Giles' feelings into consideration. I'm frightened of new things. (summary by solo84)
FEEDBACK:
I would love feedback, but please no flames. I burn easy.

NOTES: Hi. This is my first posting and my first fic. I'm not sure if I am doing this right or if this is any good.


{One would think you would run out of tears after awhile, but one would be wrong. I've been crying now for over five hours. If I had been honest with myself I would admit that I have been crying since I first saw Olivia in his apartment. When it all came crashing down on me, but I don't because that would make it just an excuse for Parker and the beer. Then Riley. God I thought I could focus all my attention on him and make him my new Angel. Wrong. He's one of the bad guys and when I went to tell Giles the news I overheard Olivia and him talking. She told him that she loved him, but she couldn’t stay here. He told her he made me a promise never to leave. She told him to choose. That's all I heard. I ran back to the dorm and began to cry. Grateful that Oz was back and had Willow with him, so I could be alone. With my tears I came to realize what I had to do. The hardest thing I would ever have to do. The one thing even worse than having to send Angel to hell. I had to let the man I love go. I had to tell him to leave. To tell him would crush me, but I owed him the truth and I wanted him to be happy. I love him. }

Placing a note on Willow's bed, Buffy grabbed her overnight bag along with the envelope that was simply address to "Giles" and made her way out the dorm. Knowing he would be on his run and knowing she would be gone, Buffy made her way over to Giles’ and let herself in. Once in the apartment she made her way to the kitchen where she set out his tea service, and in the middle she placed the note and her key to the apartment. Her mission finished it was time for her to leave.

In the living room she stopped. {Please Lord, give me the strength to say good-bye.} She thought, turning and looking around remembering everything that was and imaging things that could, but would never be. Her eyes came back into focus on the brown tweed vest, the one she always teased him about. {I'm doing the right thing, but I'm taking the vest.} She thought, grabbing it and making her way out of the apartment. {At least I have something to hold… something that smells like him.} Her thoughts cried as she clung to the vest, tears running down her face, as she walked home. Once in front of her house she wiped the tears away and placed the vest into her bag, hoping her mom was busy, she opened the front door and walked in.

"Mom, I'm home." She called walking to the stairs.

"Ok, honey. I'm making gallery calls." Joyce called from the kitchen.

"Fine, Mom. I'm tired. I'm going to take a nap." She called again making her way up the stairs to her room. Closing the door she slipped off her shoes and sunk onto the bed. His vest once more held to her chest. {I'm glad she is busy. She won’t understand. She never does. She blames him for everything. She doesn’t listen to me. I was a slayer before I met him. I'm alive because of him. What do I do now? I will die and she will blame him because he was not here as she would blame him if he was here. He will blame himself. I can't have that. So I will live. I have to live to save him as I saved him by letting him go. God I know I am doing the right thing. Please watch over him. I love him.} The tears fell once again, and she cried herself to sleep. The first sleep she’d had since the Gentlemen.

*********


Walking into his apartment, Giles noticed the time and decided he had just enough time for a shower before Buffy is due to arrive. {I know I should feel something about Olivia leaving, but I don't. I hate that I hurt her. I do love her. I am just not in love with her. She was surprised by that, and she called me a foolish old man. She said I will only be hurt by staying here, that Buffy will never love me the way I want. I surprised her again. I said, I know, that I was content to just be here and be her friend. I told her then that my life is to be lived for Buffy, to support her in any way she needs. That I am prepared to give my life for hers. I knew I had hurt Olivia, but I thought we were playing by the same rules that we played by in London, I was wrong.

"Yes, Ripper you would, and the little bitch will let you." I grabbed her arm then. Not forcefully
or hurtfully just enough to get her attention.

"You’re wrong Olivia I have tried before, she wouldn't let me and she did die. I was lucky I got her back. I don’t want to make that mistake again. I'm sorry I hurt you." I finished, letting go of her arm.

"Bye Rupert. I'm sorry too." She said walking out the door.}

Stepping out of the shower he dressed and made his way down to the kitchen. His eyes focused on his name. The handwriting easily recognizable. His hands began to shake as he reached for both the letter and the key. His legs left him, forcing him to sit on the floor. Opening the letter, his body tensed, anticipating the worst.


Giles,

Wait! Don't worry. I know the last time you read a letter from me it was to say I was running away. There is no running here. Maybe some facing. I can't come and face you with what I want to say, because I don't know how to tell you everything I need to say and if this goes how I think it will I can't face you eye to eye to tell you.

I've realized it is time to grow-up and face the changes that are going on around me and with me. Up to the point of writing this letter, I would have given anything to go back to a Saturday morning of waking up in my own bed and running down to the library to spend the day training with you. I know now, that it will never happen. Not just because the school’s not there or because mom is using my room for storage, but because you can't go back and if I could it wouldn't be fair to everyone else. You’ve all moved on, and I think that's great. It's what should happen. You know, after everything I've been through, I didn't think I would be the one that wigged. I did. I missed the safety I had then: my bed and room; you, tea, and the library; you, hot chocolate, and your couch.

I'm sorry Giles. I know I've told you a thousand times, but I'm writing it to you now. I see everything I've done wrong and how it's hurt you and it pains me greatly. So greatly that I don't have the words to express how sorry I am. Why did you stay?

I've watch the way our relationship has changed since we blew up the school, actually since I let Angel drink from me. I haven't liked it, and it hurts like hell. Especially knowing all I had to do is tell you the truth and you would forgive me. Like so many times before. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve an explanation. It was simple, a slayer's dream. Face the mayor and Faith without Angel, and we all die. Face them both with Angel and you, Willow, Cordy, Wes, and Oz die. Face just the mayor without Angel then you, Xander, Cordy, and Wes die. Face just the mayor with Angel the only death was mine. Only the extra strength I got from Faith saved me.

The dream did show me everything. I new about the poison and what the cure was, how everything would play out even to the point of quitting the council. I was to die to save you. I was prepared. I don't know if it helps, but I did come to you to tell you about the dream. I couldn't though. I found you in the library it was around 4:30 in the morning the day you were to put the sword threw the mayor. You were laying on the couch in your office a book and your glasses laying on your chest. Even in your sleep you looked so tired and worried. I couldn't add to that, besides if I told you, you would have tried to die in my place. I couldn't live with that. So I sat down and watched you sleep until it was time for the others. I got up, walked out, and reentered loudly to wake you.

I won’t lie to you Giles. I hated my calling when we met. Sometimes I still do, when I look to the future and see everyone but myself. I saw my first watcher die in front of me. I didn't want another one, but then you came. I took you and boxed you up and put a label on you. You were a Watcher, not a friend, not a man. I didn't want to get close. If I got close, I would care. If I cared I would get hurt. When I was to face the Master and you were going to go in my place, the wrapping on your box began to rip away. I couldn't have that. You were becoming the most important person in my life. If that happened, you would die, or leave like everyone else, and I would be hurt.

So I forced every feeling I could feel towards Angel. If he became the most important person to me and left I new I could go on. Then my 17th birthday, my world fell apart. Everyone's did. I slept with a man who supposedly loved me and who I convinced the world (along with myself) I loved. After the act he goes crazy and mentally and physically beats me. Then he hurts and kills the people I care for. Then he turns normal and I send him to hell. On top of that mom fines out the truth. I tell her I have to save the world and she tells me if I leave not to ever come back. I had nowhere to go but to you. I saw you in the hospital. When I did I overloaded. I couldn't stand the hurt and pain I had caused you. So I did what I thought was best. I ran. I didn't mean to cause you more pain. When I came back you never accused me or held it against me, nor did you ask why I ran or why I came back. I came back because I had a dream. In it you kept calling for me, needing me. I knew I had to come home.

The old box was gone. You were in the box of friend now. We were doing good for awhile. Then Angel came back. I lied. All I could say is I was going to tell you. The longer I held off, the longer I wouldn't see your disappointment. It was a no win situation. You would be hurt with seeing me help him and I had to help him because what happened to him was my fault. You were wrong. There is no one on earth that I respect more than you.

I was glad Angel was back, I could focus all of my feelings back on him and that kept you where I though you belonged. Where I needed you. I also though I was supposed to love Angel, he did love me. He came back from hell.

Then my birthday. I was hurt, you had hurt me. I didn't want to forgive you and I didn't want you to leave. You had become the most important person in my life. I forgave you because I love you. You stayed and I was happy.

When Angel left I new I had to put distance between us because you were bursting out of the box labeled friend. I began to distance myself, but with the first sign of trouble I came running to you. You pushed me away. I was hurt yet again, but I do understand why you did it. I needed to learn to depend on myself and not others. I made remarks that day, which I didn't mean. You were out of the box and I was running on feelings of pure jealousy. You were no longer just a watcher, just a friend, but a man also.

I tried for very long time not to see you as a man. I knew what would happen if I did. You had already become the most important person in my life and now I had fallen in love with you. You have a father's love for me.

Lately I started to notice, really notice, that you’re not happy. Giles I want nothing more in this world than for you to be happy. Seeing you unhappy is hurting me more than I can stand. If you can't be happy here, I'm saying that it’s all right for you to leave.

I want you to be happy. You deserve it more than anything. Go live your own life now. It's time. You don't have to worry about me anymore. I'll call Wes on Monday and ask him back. The last thing I ask of you is to drop me a postcard, let me know that you’re all right and that we say good-bye like this and not face to face. I don't think I can face you and say good-bye. I guess it's time. I want to thank you for everything you've ever done for me. For being a part of my life, for caring about me, for letting me know what it feels like to fall in love with the most wonderful man.

Take care, be safe, and mostly, find happiness.

I love you always,

Buffy

*************

The letter slipped from his hand as he wiped the tears from his face. {She loves me. She wants me to be happy. God I bet she’s hurting right now. I have to find her.} Getting up he moved to the phone to call the dorm.

"Hello."

"Willow, it's Giles. Can I speak to Buffy."

"She's not here. Wasn’t she supposed to meet you today? There’s nothing wrong is there? She did leave me a note saying she was staying at her mom's tonight."

"No, Willow. Nothing wrong. We decided not to meet today and I needed to tell her something. Enjoy your day with Oz. Bye." He said hanging up the phone.

{I've got to go find her, if she went home she has to be feeling worse than I thought. Joyce. She’s going to be quite catastrophically unhappy, but I won’t let her hurt Buffy.} He grabbed his keys and made his way to Buffy's house.

 

 

Knocking at the front door.

"Mr. Giles what brings you by?" Joyce asked letting him in.

"Sorry to bother you, Ms. Summers, but I need to talk to Buffy." "She is asleep. She sounded tired when she came in and said she was going to take a nap. Can't this wait." Joyce said crossing her arms in front of her.

"I'm sorry but I really must see her know." Giles said as the phone began to ring. Answering the phone, Joyce cupped her hand over it to talk to Giles once more.

"I really must take this call and she is sleeping."

"No problem Ms. Summers. Take your call. I'll wake Buffy." Giles said taking off up the steps before Joyce could say anything. Walking into her room he watched her sleep for a second before moving to sit by her side. {She is beautiful, an angel in her sleep. I love her so.} Feeling the bed shift, Buffy began to wake up. Looking up she saw him.

"Giles." She whispered her hand reaching to touch his face. "I thought you were gone." Taking her hand in his he brought it to his lips.

"I can't leave you, luv." He spoke his other hand brushing the hair from her face.

"Luv ?" Buffy asks her eyes full of longing and hope.

"Yes, I'm in love with you. I love you Buffy." He said searching her eyes to see if they agreed with the words that she had wrote. They did. In a flash her arms were around his neck holding on for dear life.

"I love you too." Buffy whispered threw her tears.

"Sh, sh." He said rubbing her back. "No more tears. We're together now." He said, brushing the tears from her check and to enforce his words his head bent to cover her lips with his. They kissed a kiss that neither had experienced before. A kiss of true love and of soul mates.

"What the hell is going on in here!?" Joyce demanded stepping in to Buffy's door.

END?