Moving on

AUTHOR: Gabriele Schulz
EMAIL:
gabi@gschulz.de
RATING: NC17
DISTRIBUTION: Solo84, Cap, Jess, Sai. Others please ask first.
SPOILERS: Up to Faith, Hope and Trick
FEEDBACK: Always very welcome, indeed.
SUMMARY: Buffy thinks about the events of "Faith, Hope and Trick" and comes to a sudden realization (now what could that be ;-) B/G
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television, the WB Television Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
NOTES: There's nothing quite as inspiring as new episodes (they're new for me at least). Set after Buffy went to the Buster Keaton festival with Scott.
DATE: 9/12/99


Buffy lay in her bed. She couldn't sleep. She was thinking about the events of the last days. So much had happened. She was back in school. Back in her old life. She had a new Slayer sis and... she had said good-bye to Angel.

It was time. There was no point in hanging on to memories. Especially since her strongest emotion about Angel was guilt. The sword going through his body. Replaying in her mind again and again. She didn't want that any longer. She had loved Angel, yes, but she had also feared and hated him, when he had turned into her worst enemy. He had killed Kendra and Jenny and threatened her friends. He had tortured Giles.

She winced at that thought.

She decided that she wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, so she got up and put some clothes and went out for a walk.

The air was calming her down a little. How pieceful Sunnydale could look at night. People were sleeping in their homes, unaware of the horrors that went on around them.

Just like Scott. He was a nice guy. And the film festival had been fun to go to, but... he just wasn't the right guy for her. And that was *not* because of Angel. There just were no sparks. No fuzzy feeling inside your stomach.

She suddenly stopped walking.

< Fuzzy feelings... > She *had* had those in the last few days. When she had come back to school. To *his* place. The library. Yes, she had wanted to tease him and how much she had enjoyed his stuttering. But she also *had* wanted to hear it.

'It's wonderful to have you back.'

He was so reserved most of the time and while she was okay with that (it was a part of him) she sometimes wished he would show his feelings a little more explicitely. She wouldn't have minded if he had hugged her, when she came back. Then again, she wasn't sure if she had been ready for that. She had felt guilty and afraid that he would be mad at her. His 'Welcome home, Buffy' had been welcome, forgiving and not demanding anything.

She started walking again.

It was probably what she had needed. Someone who didn't rush her. Who understood her, perhaps better than she herself sometimes did. Willow had told her that he had only made up that binding spell for Acathla. To make her talk, to give her the chance to heal.

She was glad she had taken it. She had to get over it in order to go on with her life. She had felt sad after placing the ring in the mansion, but also like a weight had been lifted off her. Thinking of Angel had been a burden ever since that fateful day. And if she was honest to herself it sometimes had been a burden before that. He was a vampire and even if he hadn't lost his soul she would never have been able to walk in the sun with him. And that was what she wanted. Someone who loved her and was alive. That couldn't be too hard, could it?

Well, the more difficult part was the love part. She suddenly thought of Giles again. She had been totally grossed out by Faith's words. She had hit on *her* Watcher in front of everyone. And he had enjoyed it.

< Of course he did, why wouldn't he? > She wondered how he would react if she told him that she thought he was cute? (Not young though, because Angel or not, she *didn't* think of Giles as young!) He would probably stutter and smile his sweet shy smile. Maybe he would even blush. God, she'd love to see that.

She smiled to herself and suddenly realized that she got that fuzzy feeling again.

She had missed Giles over the summer. Not more than the others but also not less. He was an important part of her life, just like the others.

She smiled at her fear to share them with Faith. She knew that she would always come first for Giles. Even if he was Faith's Watcher now, too.

She thought about what Faith had told her about her Watcher. What Kakistos had done to her. She didn't know what she'd do if anyone did that to Giles. < Angel... > She had told Faith that it had been the right thing to run, but she wasn't sure if she'd done the same. If she hadn't fought even if it would have been her death.

She thought about how Giles had gone after Angel, when he had killed Jenny. She never would have forgiven herself, had he died. He had loved her so much. Would he ever love someone like Jenny again? Would he find someone, he'd be willing to die for?

< He wanted to die for you, before Jenny. >

Yes, he did.

She looked through his window. The lights were still on. < Always researching to keep me alive. >

It hadn't been coincidence that she had walked to his house. But she didn't know what exactly she wanted to do here. What she wanted to tell him.

She walked up the stairs and to his door, then she hesitated for a few seconds before knocking.

It didn't take long until he opened the door.

"Buffy. Is everything all right?"

She didn't answer immediately, but she seemed unhurt, so he stepped aside and let her in.

"I'm... I don't know exactly why I'm here. I..."

< What? I want you to forgive me, to tell me that you love me only once, to hold me in your arms, to show me how much you care, even if I know it already. I want you to make me feel fuzzy again. >

Suddenly her emotions threatened to overwhelm her. She started shivering and tears were filling her eyes.

"Buffy, are you all right?"

He lifted his arm to put it on her shoulder, but pulled it back in the last second.

She laughed weakly.

"Giles, I'm sorry. Please touch me if you want to. I-I mean... that was just because of..."

She suddenly stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her head in his chest.

He was surprised, then hesitantly put his arms around her.

"I said good-bye to Angel tonight."

Giles thought he understood and stroked her hair comforting her.

"It's okay, Buffy. Everything will be all right."

"I'm not crying about Angel."

She looked up at him. He stopped stroking her.

"I don't understand."

"I can't say that I do, either. I... thank you for making up that binding spell."

"Willow told you?"

"Yes, but I needed that. I need to... go on with my life. And Angel is not life. He's death and guilt and... You are life. Willow and Xander and the others. And *you*."

They were still standing close arms wrapped around each other, looking at each other.

"When you told me how wonderful it was to have me back, I... that was so sweet Giles. You know, you can tell me that you... care about me. It's nice to hear it once in a while. Or to feel it."

She looked at him for a long moment.

"Like now. I wouldn't mind if you told me that you love me."

She looked at him expectantly.

"Buffy, I... I love you."

He didn't look at her when he said it and suddenly comprehension dawned.

She moved her arms away from his back and took his face in her hands.

"Look at me."

He hesitated, then did as he was told.

"Say it again."

"Buffy..."

"Say it. Please."

"I love you."

He did. < Oh my god. He loves me. > The fuzzy feeling was back, but it wasn't only fuzzy any longer, it was like a volcano, like lava streaming to every part of her body.

She stood on tip-toe and kissed him.

When after awhile he still didn't kiss her back, she put her arms back around him and buried her face in his chest again.

"This has nothing to do with Angel," she whispered.

"You loved him."

She looked up at him and started moving her hands up and down his back, sending shivers down his spine.

"Yes, I loved him. But he is gone. Giles, I know that it is hard for you to believe this, god, I hardly believe it myself. I mean, these feelings are so... strange. And wonderful. And new. I'm not going to tell you that I always loved you, because we both know, that I... Giles, I... I didn't just think 'I have to get over Angel, so I'll run into the arms of the next best man I see'. If I'd wanted that I'd be with Scott right now."

"Buf-"

"No, Giles. Listen to me. And I hope I'll be able to say something that makes sense."

He smiled faintly.

"It is sudden, I know, but that doesn't mean it's not real. It was horrible how Faith lost her Watcher. I don't want to lose you. Ever. I can't do this without you. I need you. I always did, and now I realized that I want you, too. You have to believe me, Giles. I love you."

He looked down at her. He believed her. He didn't know, whether it was because he so desperately wanted to believe her or because she told the truth. He just knew that he couldn't fight his feelings any longer. When she had been gone over the summer, he had finally admitted to himself that he loved her. And now that she stood in front of him, her arms around him, looking up at him with those lovely eyes, that were pleading...

He bent down and kissed her. He had kissed many people in his life, more frequently when he was younger, but he had never been nearly as much in love with any of them. His longing for Buffy was so outstanding, that he was afraid he'd crush her with his desire. But she responded eagerly, opening her mouth for his waiting tongue moving her arms around his neck, pulling him down to get him ever nearer. When she realized that she was just too small, she jumped up and wrapped her legs around him. He held her tightly, grazing her tongue with his.

She started to rub herself against his hardening penis.

"Buffy..."

"Take me upstairs," she whispered longingly.

He looked at her, then kissed her again and started to carry her upstairs.

They loved each other with tender passion, finding a rhythm that drove them both to unknown heights.

When she started to climax, she thought her heart would burst into a million pieces. And it went on forever and ever. The pleasure almost painful. She was unable to think or move. She could only feel Giles inside her and hear his screaming. Her name over and over. Then she heard herself scream his name when it finally was over and he thrust deep into her one last time, moaning 'I love you' as he emptied himself into her.

After he disposed of the condom, they lay arm in arm.

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Buffy."

Her grip on him tightened and she kissed his cheek.

"Nothing will ever separate us."

< Except death, > she added silently, but didn't say it.

He just kissed her forehead.

They were asleep shortly after switching off the light. And as they sought each other even in sleep they dreamed wonderful dreams of a promising future - unaware of what was threatening to come between them once again.

The END