Visions of Lonely Tunes
Supreme visions of lonely tunes
Spoilers: I supposed you could say it's for A New Man, but not really. Definetly for Helpless. Sort of.
Feedback: I'm not going to beg this time. You don't have to send it if you don't want to. I'll just here all alone and whimper.
Im so sorry. So very sorry that I hurt you, betrayed you. I asked you to forgive me and that wasnt fair.
This hurts me so much but I feel I must do this. Im going back to England. I have forced you to carry on a relationship you did not want and Im truly sorry.
I hope you can forgive me all my foolishness, and I pray that someday you might again care for me as much as I care for you, and as much as I know you once did.
I wish you all the happiness in the world, Buffy, and anything else your heart desires.
What ever the bloody hell it is that you want just come right out and say it, Im not in the mood for your games.
I knew this moment would come one day. But hearing it, actually hearing his kind voice filled with anger
I just wanted to spend some time with you.
He looked at me and I think for the first time he realized exactly what he said and how un-Giles he sounded when he said it. And I think I saw pain go through his eyes but I was too busy thinking about my own pain
Rejection hurts, it always does. But coming from Giles I felt like I just jumped down into the hell mouth again, and even though I did it on purpose this time too, it still hurt. And I couldnt face him. I couldnt look at the anger I had planted in him. I know I caused it.
I wont bug you again.
I turned around and ran out the door and I heard him calling for me, but I didnt stop. I knew I was hurting him Im not blind and Im not stupid. But there was no other way
I never wanted to hurt him so much. He was lonely and it was all for me. Anything he ever did was for me, and I couldnt even bother to be his friend
But I try never to make the same mistake twice, and I made the mistake of letting him too close before. I wouldnt do that again. I wouldnt let him near enough to hurt ever again.
Then why does it hurt so much?
Because the bigger the distance I put between us, the more I want to get close. The more I push him away, the more I want to pull him into a hug and hold him tight. I saw what I was doing to him. I saw the pain, the loneliness in his eyes. Gentle, beautiful eyes that always held love for me no matter what I did, what I said, how much I lied. And it just made me love him the more, and I hate him for that.
But all the pain I was causing him I didnt mean for it to hurt so much. I didnt know how much I meant to him until I saw how hard it was to make him hate me. But I wanted him to. I wanted him to think of me as nothing more than a slayer in need of training and research. I wanted him to stop looking at me with those loving eyes, I wanted him to not be hurt every time I didnt tell him something about my personal life.
I trust him with my life. But not with my feelings. I could pass the test, he knew that. He told me about it because he knew how much it hurt inside, and I cant forgive him for going on with it; for seeing what it he was doing to me and not stopping. Not saying Buffy, I have to tell you something before he ever stuck that needle in me
I zoned out on him and I did it with complete trust. I did it because I never thought hed hurt me so much and I knew, I just KNEW, he would never knowingly place me in danger.
I KNEW he cared too much for me to kill everything inside me.
But he didnt. And it hurt too much
So I started executing my master plan
And when I nearly lost him I wanted memories of him. I wanted to think of him smiling at me, not what ever it is hes been doing since I started this.
So I went to him
And in one instant, in one angry sentence, he made me realize I couldnt go through with it, but that I already did. Looking at him and seeing that my plan worked that he no longer wanted to be my friend was the most painful experience in my life.
But then .
You think I dont know what Im doing to you?
Because you almost killed me!! I was screaming this, the worst possible thing I could say to him. How can you ask me to trust you again?
He stared at me for a few seconds than sat down, burying his face in his hands.
I love you Giles, but I cant let you close again.
I walked away again and felt something in me die when I heard him . Giles, my strong, brave Giles, was crying.