If I Should Die This Very Moment
By Lacy

Title: If I Should Die This Very Moment
Summary: My short, slight alteration of the ending of "The Gift."
Spoilers: Season 5, through "The Gift."
Pairing: B/G, indirectly.
Rating: PG-13, tops. If even that.
Feedback: Please! Please! I live for it. :)
Use: Want. Take. Have. Just tell me where it's going...
Disclaimer: Obviously not my characters, as I imagine we'd all be a lot happier if they were! They're all owned by Joss the Evil, ME, UPN and a bunch of people I don't know. I'm just borrowing them.

Author's Notes: This is kind of a darkfic, at least for me the happy ending queen; there's death and all that good jazz. Buffy's POV.


You know, it really is true what they say. That when you die your life flashes before your eyes. Only, that guy in American Beauty was more accurate---it's like watching a movie, really, and it's long. Longer than you'd think it would be. And it's everybody. And everything. And there's....there's so much love. I guess you get smarter when you die. At least, I know I did. I wish I'd been half this smart before I made this jump. Maybe Kevin Spacey was right. You don't understand till you get here. I didn't. That's for sure.

I know that...I know that my friends are going to be upset that I did this. That I took a flying leap off a construction tower and ended it all. Even though it was to save everyone. I know they'll miss me. I know they're going to be sad. But...that's not what I'm remembering at all. I'm remember when we were all in high school together, going to the Bronze, going to dances, when we were...well, more innocent than now. It's nice to know that we had that, once. I hope they're going to take care of each other. I hope they remember that I loved them. I hope they're happy. I hope they find as much love as I've had. Even when I haven't deserved it.

I remember Dawn. Which is weird, considering how these memories aren't actually real. But they feel real. And I guess that's what counts, isn't it? It feels like she's always been my sister. My heart can't tell the difference, anyway. I remember little things. Brushing her hair, opening Christmas presents with her, hugging her. I hope she grows up to be the woman I want her to be. The woman I know she is.

And, finally, most of all, I remember him. Which, given my treatment of him before this moment is pretty damn insane. It's funny that even right now, I can remember the tiniest things about him. The smell of his after shave, the feel of his sweaters, the sound of his voice. The way he poured his tea. But mostly, I think about his eyes. That deep, perfect green. I'd never noticed how beautiful they were. Now I think my heaven is going to be that color. At least if I have any say in it, which I better, after all this. I can't help but think how unfair it is, getting this kind of revelation-style slide show, now, when I can't do anything about it. Everything I've ever done has been because he was there. I wish there was some way I could say thank you. Wish there was an "I'm sorry I died, but I really love you" card you could send from the afterlife. Wish I'd figured stuff out before now. It's a given I was going to be the one that left first, but there are three little words that I *really* wish I'd said to him.

I think he must've known. Somewhere. He was always the smartest person I've ever met. 'Cause...I think this love has always been there. I hope...well, I hope it's still going to be there, even now that I'm not.

I didn't feel it when my body hit the ground. I didn't actually feel the moment that my body became a "body" and not me. But, all I know, is that I saw him see me. Body me, I mean. If I weren't already dead, that sight would have probably killed me. He cried like a baby. I'd never seen him cry before, not like that, not even when Jenny died. He'd have gone in my place, that much I know, if it would have saved me. He's always loved me so...truly. He would have made me very happy; I know that now. I could have loved him, too, the way he deserved to be loved. I do. Love him, I mean.

And I guess that's why I'm going to spend eternity thinking about his eyes. Drowning in that perfect green.