Goodbye to You
By Renee

TITLE- Goodbye to You
AUTHOR- Renee (formerly Renzach)
PLOT- Buffy gathers the courage to tell Giles how she feels in a letter.
RATING - PG13 at worst
SPOILERS - Set during season 6
DISCLAIMER- Joss owns it all except for the song which is by Michelle Branch.
FEEDBACK- I haven't written any fiction in a while so I'd love to hear if anyone still likes what I have to say.


Giles trotted out to the mailbox pulling his sweater tighter around his chest. Since his return to England barely a week ago, Lord was it that short of a time, his daily trip to the mailbox had invariably held hope, doubt followed by heartbreak to find it void of anything from Sunnydale. He couldn't blame them he supposed he had left rather suddenly afterall, none of them had taken it very well but Buffy's reaction had suprised him most of all. From the very first moment he'd set eyes upon her since she'd come back from the ..... well since she'd come back, he'd made every attempt to reach out to her. He'd actually been allowed and perhaps cursed with those precious few moments he'd held her in his arms, his emotion seeping out of his control.

From then onwards every attempt he'd made to be with her, hold her, simply touch her was denied. It destroyed him like nothing before to be so close to her when she wasn't truly there. Her revelation that she'd actually been in heaven and not the hell dimension they'd all assumed, was shocking at first but made more and more sense as he thought about it. Of course this world would seem horrible when compared to that. He was disgusted with himself to have ever thought that an angel such as her could be cast down into hell.

His heart skipped a beat as a small package dropped from the mailbox, the words Sunnydale USA were stamped on it. He carefully picked it up afraid that if he made any sudden movements he'd discover he was daydreaming. Ignoring the other pieces of mail he made his way back inside and sat down on the couch. His trembling hands turned the letter over and he gasped as he saw the words From: Buffy Summers printed on the back. Slowly he tore it open, inside was an envelope and a CD, which was marked 'Please listen to this before opening the letter.' He could never deny Buffy anything so he placed the envelope on the table and hunted around for the stereo he'd used during Buffy's training sessions.

The first notes drifted through the air, he'd never heard this song before but he was pleased to discover it was much nicer than the noise she usually listened to. Buffy must have had some reason to want him to listen to this particular song so he paid extra special attention to what she wanted to tell him.

"Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears from behind my eyes but I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by"

Buffy's pain had always been his pain, every heartache she'd felt had been twice as painful for him to watch and not have the slightest idea of how to help. He'd imagined she'd be angered by his leaving but never did he think she'd be hurt by it, that's the last thing he ever wanted for her.

"I've been searching deep down in my soul
The words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last 3 years were just pretend
And I said

Chorus- Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto"

I was the one thing that she loved? No she musn't have meant that part of the song, Angel was always the one that she loved.

"I used to get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto"

Surely she'd sent the wrong song, this couldn't be how she felt about him, an old broken down man with nothing to offer her. She'd never once given him any indication she felt this way for him. Although more than one of her reactions to the women in his life could be construed as attacks of jealousy, but that was a ridiculous notion.

"It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
The one thing that I tried to hold onto

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto

And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You're my shooting star"

Giles sat there dumfounded, for how long he had no clue. She couldn't possibly feel that way, perhaps it was a joke. He remembered the envelope and tore it open.

Dear Giles,
By now hopefully you've listened to the song that I sent along with this letter. You're probably confused as to it's meaning or at least how it relates to us. Let me simplify it for you, I love you, there I've finally said it well wrote it anyway. Before you go there, no I don't mean it as a father or a teacher or even a friend though I have loved you in all those ways as we've grown together. I love you as a man, an incredibly handsome, smart, kind and wonderful man.

I've felt this way for a long time now but it never seemed like the right time to tell you, also I have to admit to being chicken. I know you don't feel the same and I'm not asking anything from you I just needed you to know. You mean everything to me, you're the air I breathe and I never told you, I never even hinted at it. I needed for you to know that you are special and that even if it's from someone that you could never reciprocate, that you are loved. I miss you terribly, I miss your smile and the way your eyes crinkle when you do, I even miss your glare so it must be love huh?

The night you left I wandered for hours until I found myself at the Bronze, I had hoped that it would distract me enough to stop thinking about you. As Buffy luck goes though it only made things worse, a girl was singing this song and my heart broke a little more the longer I listened. I kept asking myself why I never gathered the courage to tell you how I felt, I can fight all manner of nasties but to take the chance of opening my soul to you like that and then being rejected was more than I could bear. I haven't written this letter to beg you to return to Sunnydale, instead like the song says, I'm saying goodbye. They say that if you love something you should set it free so that's what I'm doing, you're free Giles. I'll always be here for you, I'll always be your friend and no matter how hard I may try not to I will always love you. We may be many many miles apart but you will always carry my heart and soul with you wherever you go.

Love Buffy.

A tear splashed onto the paper causing Giles to swear for fear the ink may run. How did he never notice this before, how was it possible that she felt the same and he'd been too blind to see it? His mind was racing and his heart had beat right out of his chest. 'She loves me, dear Lord, she loves me.' He'd dreamt of this for years but he'd never allowed himself to believe it would come true. Throwing some meager items into an overnight bag he attempted to dial the airport however it wasn't until his fourth try that his fingers found the correct buttons.

 
There had still been no word from Giles, she thought for sure he'd have at least called when he'd recieved her letter. Maybe it was for the best though, she wasn't sure she really wanted to hear his response. No it was much better to not hear him stumbling over an apology that he didn't feel the same or worse that he no longer respected her. A knock at the door aroused her from such thoughts, a distraction was definitely in order. His beautiful face leaned towards her, she had just enough time to register that Giles was standing in front of her before her lips were carresed by his. They were soft and sweet just as she had imagined them and she allowed him to lift her to his height, her legs wrapping instinctivly around his waist. They stayed locked in each other embrace, the sensations overwhelming them both until they realised in their passion his pants were undone and her shirt had been tossed somewhere inside the living room.

She felt him smiling into her lips and she couldn't help but return the gesture. They slowly broke apart and he set her back down on the floor. Taking his hand she led him to the couch and straddled his lap once he sat. "What are you doing here Giles?" He could hear the awe and pure joy in her voice, something he'd longed to hear for a very long time.
"I got your letter and I had to tell you that I feel completely the same way, My dearest Buffy I love you." His hand traced a slow arc down her cheek as he placed another gentle kiss on her lips. "I love you too Giles." She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close again refusing this time to ever let him go.