For This I Hate You
By Gabriele Schulz

TITLE: For this I hate you
AUTHOR: Gabriele Schulz
DISTRIBUTION: Everyone who has my general permission. Others please ask first.
FEEDBACK: This is my first fic without a happy end. Please let me know how I did...
SUMMARY: Giles is dead. A letter he leaves causes mixed emotions. B/G
WARNING: This fic doesn't have a happy ending. I thought I should warn you since my fics are usually guaranteed to leave you giddy (if you're a B/G shipper that is ;-)
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television, the WB Television Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
Pain, frustration, anger, helplessness. What better way to celebrate those emotions than fic? I'm usually not long enough in such a mood to go through with it. So this one is short, but painful.
DEDICATION: For Arkin (the Harbinger of Death) and Tic.
DATE: 04/09/2000

She crumpled the sheets of paper in her hand, gripping them before throwing them across the room violently. Tears were streaming down her face. Her hands were clenched and she had difficulties breathing. She looked around, not sure what to do, where to go. She had to let out her feelings. She had to scream. She had to...

She had to go to him.

She got out of her room and ran towards his new home. She didn't care about the people staring at her. Her face was still covered with tears.

When she finally was there she began screaming without preamble. "How dare you?! How dare you do this to me, you bastard?!"

Giles didn't answer, of course.

He was buried three feet below her.

"I don't understand this. At first you die, which was bad enough and now this. 'My dearest Buffy'. If you felt *anything* for me you wouldn't have done this. I never believed you were even capable of killing yourself. But maybe I could have lived with that. But... oh God, how could you? All these years you didn't say a word. Nothing. Not a single time. Why, Giles, why?

What do you think would have happened? For God's sake - you loved me. It wouldn't have changed anything! You should have known me better. Instead you kill yourself. Kill yourself and leave me this letter. How could you do this? How could you lay this burden on me when you love me? This is like stabbing me from behind. I can do nothing. I can just sit here and scream at you and you won't even hear me because you are in heaven or hell. Twenty pages. Twenty pages about how you fell in love with me and why. I started crying at the first damn page and didn't stop. Giles, I'm still crying! How could you just leave me like this? Why did you have to tell me? Why did you have to make me see you in a new light?"

She sobbed so hard that she couldn't speak for a while.

"Why did you have to make me love you?"

She dropped down on her knees clawing at the tombstone.

"Why did you have to make me love you, now that you're dead..."

She wept for a few minutes. Her whole body was shaking with emotion. Then she suddenly jumped up.

"I love you, Giles. I think I always will. But I don't think I'll ever forgive you. For this I hate you."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she turned around and left him alone.