Dear Diary
By Renee

PLOT - Buffy gets her hands on Giles' journal and she's not happy.
AUTHOR - Renee
TITLE - Dear Diary
DISCLAIMER - Joss Whedon and Co. own Buffy et al. I own the wonderful fantasies my mind creates about ASH.
SPOILERS - Set somewhere in about season 5 I guess.

Journal of Rupert Giles
July the 14th

I'm not really sure when it first began, it wasn't a sudden revelation or a single incident. I've just known for as long as I can remember that I love her. When we first met in the library, God how I miss that place, I just knew. This is how it's been for centuries you see, the watcher and the slayer, their destinies intertwined so they become like one. I can feel her you know, every heartache I share, along with every triumph. Some people may look at us and consider us an odd pair, I can see why. I often find myself thanking the powers that I was chosen to be hers. I know she loves me just as I know she'll never be in love with me. That is the pain I must live with, but the pleasure of seeing her face, catching a smile thrown in my direction makes it all worth while. I'd die a thousand painful deaths to keep her safe, sometimes I think I already have. I've decided to finally lay my feelings on the table as it were as a warning to other watchers. Travers fired me because I had a 'love for my charge', who does he think he is to dictate whom someone may love? He believed that my love for Buffy would cause harm, that it would impede her performance somehow. He's never been more wrong and if you know Travers you know how grand a statement that is. The love that I have for Buffy, I believe, has been one of the reasons that she is still alive today. Slayers lives are robbed of so many things please don't rob them of your affection too. I hope that by pouring my heart into this journal that some future watcher may benefit from the lessons I've learnt, believe me when I say it's far easier to learn them this way. Although Buffy shall never know the depth of my love nor the nature of it, she does know that I love her and that is enough for us both.

A single tear splashed onto the page, she hurried to wipe it up fearful that the parchment would be ruined. Why had he never told her he felt this way? How could he love her as he says he does and watch her parade by with one man after another? How could he decide for the both of them what their future would hold? How dare he! She stormed to the phone and furiously dialled his number, not sure if she was relieved or further angered when he answered on the third ring.
"Don't you hello me mister!"
"Yes it's Buffy, why how many other women are calling you at this time of night?"
"Ah Buffy perhaps if you calmed down and told me what was wrong I could be of some service."
"What makes you think you can make this better?"
"Buffy what on earth has got you so bothered?"
"You, ya big jerk that's what! Don't go anywhere I'm coming right over, I have something I want you to see."
Before he could reply she'd hung up. Frustrated by the way their conversation had gone and the fact that he had very little idea what it was about he decided to make some tea, if he knew Buffy it wouldn't take her very long to arrive.

Sure enough less than a quarter of an hour later there was an annoyed knock on his door. Sighing, he wearily made his way to it, a furious slayer was usually not something one wanted to deal with at anytime let alone at midnight. Not waiting for an invitation she stormed into his living room and plonked herself down on the couch. "Do come in." Even though this was whispered her slayer hearing picked it up and he immediately regretted uttering it. He went to make up a tea tray letting her brood for a few minutes in the hope that it would help her to calm somewhat. Apparently the plan didn't work because he was greeted with the sight of an extremely pissed off slayer as he sat down in his favourite chair.

"May I at least know what terrible crime I've committed before you sentence me?"
"Someone sent this to me today," She threw his dairy wrapped in packing paper on the coffee table, "and I've read it." The cup of tea he'd been cradling in his lap went crashing to the ground, china and liquid going everywhere. He bent to pick up the pieces as a distraction and was cut for his efforts. At the sight of his blood Buffy's anger drained away and she leapt to his side.

"Oh Giles are you ok?" She tenderly took his hand and inspected the wound, it wasn't deep and considering the amount of head injuries he'd received during his tenure in Sunnydale this was nothing. "Yes, yes I'm fine I was just..... surprised that's all." She left the room and returned moments later with a band-aid.
"Here let me take care of that." She sucked the blood from his finger and carefully wrapped it. Giles was amazed at how even that small gesture could cause his heart to pound and his breathing to become rapid. Buffy noticed this, which only angered her again as she was reminded of why she'd come. "Giles how could you?"
"Buffy how could I what? You're not going to get any answers until you give me some."
"I read it Giles, cover to cover."
"Well what exactly is it that has caused you to react this way?"
"Why did you think it was ok to decide that I'd never be in love with you? That's it is it? You just decide it's impossible so you never even give it a chance? How come I get no say in this?"

He was entirely taken aback, this was not the reaction he'd expected when or if she ever found out that his love for her was not simply a father's affection. He'd been prepared for many things, disgust was the highest on the list but that she was upset at not being given a choice to reciprocate that love never entered his mind.
"Buffy what are you saying, that you wish I'd told you so you could decide whether or not to do something about it?"
She expelled a breath relieved it was finally on the table, no pun intended. "Yes actually that's exactly what's got me all riled up. Why'd you just assume I couldn't love you like that you big moron?"

He could only stutter unaware of how else to respond to her revelation. She was in his lap and before he knew what was happening was kissing him. At first all he could do was panic, things had happened so quickly, one minute she was furious with him and now she was coming on to him. She pulled away, "Kiss me back Giles." She leaned in again and this time it only took him a second to realise this wasn't one of his many fantasies. The woman he lived and breathed for was kissing him and dammit if he wasn't going to make her weak at the knees. She jerked in surprise as his arms suddenly flew around her and she was caught up in the most passionate kiss she'd ever known. He was all around her, filling her every sense and she thought she could survive on nothing but him. His tongue swept into her mouth and she moaned in reply. Colours were swirling in her head and she was woozy from the ecstasy of it all. He pulled away when it became necessary for air but still she wanted more. It warmed his heart to see her flushed face, eyes closed panting from his ministrations.

"Does this mean you forgive me?" He smiled gently, aware that due to her position in his lap he was no longer able to hide his feelings for her.
"No Giles this means that I love you, with everything I am, I always have."
"Oh my Buffy I love you too."
She slugged him gently on the arm, "Now was that so hard?" She kissed his arm and many other places better.

"The package was delivered mate, that's it right? You leave me alone now?"
"Yes Spike I'll leave you alone, but if you ever go near Buffy or any of the gang again I will hunt you down and you'll be reintroduced to Angelus."
"Fine fine no need to get all over dramatic on me, cor you always were one for the drama weren't you?"
Beep beep beep, "I don't believe it the great poof hung up on me." Spike took one more mournful look in the window and dropped his cigarette to the pavement stamping it out. He turned to walk off into the night, "I'll be back, and when I am I'll show this town who's boss, you'll all scream for mercy.....Owwww bollocks!" Spike picked himself up off the ground careful to avoid the light pole this time and scurried into the darkness.