(A Silly Romp with a Mary-Sue Demon)
DISTRIBUTION: BG Shippers
SPOILERS: up to Band Candy
FEEDBACK: Only if you're nice and tell me how wonderful I am.
SUMMARY: Bickering is taken to a new level.
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB. Nothing is mine. No one is making any money on this. Nobody sue.
"That's it, Giles. Make with the understatement."
Buffy and Giles had accidentally stumbled into the lair of the physical manifestation of the demon Asmodeus, for whom they had been hunting for the past three days. They were only out for reconnaissance purposes, but one thing had led to another (as usual), and here they were, standing in front of it, wondering what the hell to do next. It had taken possession of the body of Tom Baker, one of the tallest basketball players ever to grace the Sunnydale High School team. Unfortunately for Tom, Asmodeus had this nasty habit of killing its host, and not with kindness. The physical transformation that resulted from the manifestation had torn Tom up both internally and externally, and it was not a pretty sight to see. Buffy was glad that Tom was dead rather than see the absolutely gross skin condition he had so recently developed, not to mention the *breasts*. Obviously, Asmodeus identified as a female. <Or as a really old, out of shape man,> thought Buffy with distaste.
In her appropriated human form, Asmodeus had stolen the Crystal of Dareth and was planning to use it, as most demons would, for evil. Being from 'Hell', she was used to a slightly warmer and more toxic climate than Sunnydale, and she apparently was feeling nostalgic for the comforts of home. The Crystal was her key to somehow causing a magically-induced nuclear meltdown at the Sunnydale Nuclear Power Plant, which would in turn open the Hellmouth. All of this hinged on the alignment of certain celestial bodies that would occur within four days. The exact details of the nefarious plot were unclear to the Scooby Gang, hence the reconnaissance.
The duo had snuck into the abandoned warehouse that they suspected was the demon's lair. Willy the Snitch had refused to tell them anything, except that this was a location that was attracting a lot of selective inattention from other denizens of the night. They had struck paydirt, finding Asmodeus almost right away, and they were working on simply getting in and out of the warehouse alive, and maybe acquiring some valuable information. Everything would have proceeded relatively uneventfully had Giles not forgotten to take his antihistamine that morning. While crawling about in the dust and filth trying to get abetter vantage point from which to spy on Asmodeus, he sneezed so hard that his glasses went clattering to the ground.
<Not that the noise his glasses made will be a problem, after Asmodeus has heard the typhoon that came out his nose,> Buffy grumbled to herself.
As Asmodeus dragged them in front of her, telekinetically, Buffy hissed at Giles, "I reminded you to take your allergy meds this morning."
Giles' response was clipped. "Buffy, now is not the time to assign blame-"
"That's only because it's *your* fault."
The demon opened her eyes slowly, first focusing on Giles, and then Buffy. "I am Asmodeus, the demon from the seventh plane of what you mortals call 'Hell'," she rumbled, wielding her fiery sword around her body with one of her four arms. "I am a Fire Demon-
"Figured that from the flaming weaponry, genius," Buffy interrupted.
Asmodeus' voice rose to near-deafening proportions, and seemed to come from all directions. She obviously didn't take well to being interrupted. "Impudent mortal. Now you will die in a rapture of burning agony!" She hoisted the sword to cleave Buffy in two.
"Buffy! NO!" Giles cried, as he was freed from Asmodeus' psychic hold, presumably because of the demon's increased focus on Buffy. He launched towards the Slayer, pushing her out of the way of the oncoming weapon. Sadly for Giles, however, it placed him precisely in the path of the blade. He braced himself for the killing blow. And waited. After about one second of unexpected continued life, Giles tentatively opened one eye.
His death was not to come. At least not yet. His actions had stayed Asmodeus' hand by distracting her for a critical moment.
"That is SO *it*!!!" screamed Buffy. Freed from Asmodeus' control by her distraction, Buffy jumped forward faster than the eye could follow, kicking the demon's knees out from under her with a swift backwards heel jab. "You don't respect me!" she accused. Asmodeus landed heavily on her back, stunned, and more importantly, rather confused. She then spun around to face Giles. "Did you hear what I just said? You don't take me seriously, and you don't respect me!"
"W-what?!? You're t-talking to m-me?!" Giles had both eyes open now and they were trained upon his Slayer with an almost bruising intensity.
"You don't think my slayer powers are good enough. You don't think that *I'm* good enough!"
"Buffy, t-this is hardly the time to be airing your grievances with me. We're trying to thwart a demon, here. If you'd just pay attention to the task at hand, please!!!"
"No, this is the perfect time. I am so sick and tired of you and your pushing me out of the way of danger. Giles, I'm *Danger Girl*. It's what I have for breakfast. You can't keep jumping in whenever your ego demands that you-"
"Hey, hello?!" Asmodeus was standing again, but was strangely reluctant to resume the battle without everyone's full attention. <<I'm not going to be all menacing and impressive if no one is going to bother to watch!>> she thought petulantly. "Can we get back to fighting here? I'm on a schedule-"
"Back off, Sparky. We'll get back to you when we're damn good and ready." She turned to face Giles again. "You keep trying to take my place when we're in battle. It's just not *fair*."
"I haven't the faintest clue as to what you are referring, but we have a job to do, and I recommend that we get back to-"
"You haven't the faintest clue? You must have noticed that you keep trying to lay your life down for me! Like when I was going to fight the Master, you were going to go instead. I had to bop you silly to get you to back down." Giles unconsciously rubbed his jaw in memory. "When I was fighting Mr. Trick in the sewers, you pushed me out of the way and went for him yourself. You almost got *eaten* that time. And then there was the time that I fought that Stone Giant, you pulled me off my feet to take that crossbow bolt for me. You are SO lucky it only hit your weapons bag. Even last week, you dove in front of me to take the Nerf arrow that Xander's nephew fired at me during the picnic in the park. You don't see a disturbing pattern emerging?!"
"Oh, well, pardon me for caring about your welfare. I wasn't aware that it was a crime! I daresay that other Slayers would be thrilled to have a Watcher that would be so involved, so self-sacrificing-"
"That's my point! I don't *want* you to be self-sacrificing. I like you *alive*, thank you very much. And if you weren't so pigheaded, and if you didn't have such a macho *deathwish*, it would make my job a whole lot easier! Not to mention that you obviously have no respect for my abilities as a slayer. You couldn't possibly, because you keep undermining me in front of bad guys. How is any of the evil population of Sunnydale supposed to take me seriously if they think that I need my *Watcher* to bail me out of sticky situations? I already have a *mother*, Giles. She's done enough damage to my reputation. Do you know how hard it's been to live down that my *mommy* had to beat up Spike for me?!? Vampires snicker at me before I dust them! I've seen them!" Giles simply stared at her, his face slack in shock.
"This is utterly ridiculous, Buffy! You cannot possibly hold the sewer incident against me. I don't have to remind you of the effects of that blasted candy, do I?"
"Oh! Don't remind me!! You *would* bring up the 'effects of the candy' after I mentioned my *mother*. How could you be so insensitive?"
"I'm sorry, but I am simply attempting to defend myself against your horrendous and unjust accusations. I wasn't exactly in control of my behaviour at that point. But back to my supposed 'deathwish'. You informed me that you 'quit' right before you were to face the Master. How was I supposed to know that you didn't mean it? I was only doing what any self-respecting opponent of evil would do by trying to stop the Master myself. You can't fault me for *that*."
"Just watch me. But, hey, isn't that *supposed* to be your *job*? **Watching**?!"
Asmodeus broke in, bravely risking being yelled at again. "It sounds like you two have some real control issues in your relationship. Have you thought of seeking marriage counseling?" Her booming voice carried through the warehouse.
Both Giles' and Buffy's heads whipped around to face the demon. "We're NOT married!" they snapped in unison.
Buffy felt the need to clarify the sitch. "Not that it's any business of yours, Tall, Red and Warty, but Giles and I are not involved in that way. He's like a father to me and I'm like a daught-
"Yeah, right!" The demon snorted, sending curling shots of fire out her nostrils. "I've been alive a *very* long time. Twelve thousand years, give or take a few centuries. I know sexual tension when I see it. And I'm seeing it right now." Two of her arms, most likely the freshly grown ones given the awkward angle that they jutted out of her torso, positioned themselves on what used to be Tom's hips, making her imposing appearance less imposing and more... bossy. "You may not be a couple, but you argue like you've been married for years. And who wants to be married if you don't at least get to have regular sex?" She threw all four hands into the air at the completely blank looks she received from both humans. "You know what? I'm just going to wait another millenium for the planetary alignment to occur again. It'd be worth it just to get away from you two and your unresolved sexual tension-fueled squabbling."
She whirled around, grabbing the Crystal and her sword, and lifted a free arm into the air. She then paused, cast them a significant look and said, "Just have at it and *screw*. **Please**?! If not for yourselves, then for all the demons that you're annoying." With that, she disappeared in a plume of red flame.
Buffy and Giles froze for a moment, and then looked at each other with pronounced embarrassment. They quietly gathered their weaponry, and left the abandoned warehouse in silence.
Later, at the Slayercave (also known as Giles' house)
"Where were you guys?" Willow inquired as she opened the front door. She looked puzzled. "I've been waiting for an *hour*. I've been worried about the two of you." Her eyes scanned the pair, looking for indications of battle. At their inability to meet her gaze, Willow
became suspicious. "What happened?"
"Nothing!" the voices of both Buffy and Giles chimed simultaneously.
"It was a bust," Buffy lied. "We, uhhh, didn't find anything."
"In fact, I believe that the demon has abandoned her quest to bring about the annihilation of the human race by opening the Hellmouth. At least, for now."
Willow looked confused. "Oh, that's good. Um, wait... 'her'? The demon was a her? That's new. Hey, how'd you know it was a her? *I* didn't know it was a her. And I've read all the books."
A pause. "Willow, look out behind you! It's Spike!"
Willow turned with her arm raised in a defensive posture to meet the... nonexistent attacker in the house. "Hey, Spike's not here..." She turned back abruptly to see Buffy and Giles running through the courtyard, giggling. "Oh, for Goddess' sake, just have sex!" she yelled at the retreating figures.
The (very silly) End.