Buffy Mate Man
By Sha

Title: Buffy mate man
Author: Sha
Disclaimer: As if! I can't see the WB, Fox or others letting them do *this*!
Rating: Big fat R
Summery: Spoilers for Beer bad. Proceed at your own risk.

Notes: This is how the episode SHOULD have gone! Man this was fun!! For Andra, let me know when the conversion is complete.<G>

"You gave the slayer beer? How could you give her beer?"

"I didn't give it to her, not really.And hey! We got the others under control and locked up. Now we just have to do the same with Buffy until it passes.I wonder if she looks like the guys do?"

"For your sake, you'd better hope not."

"Uh Giles, look." The guys stared in shock at Buffy. She was sitting in the corner of her room, drawing with... crayons?

"Parker bad.Bad Parker."

"Yes, he's a bloody idiot. Buffy, can you understand me?"

"Buffy want beer.Now."

"No beer, beer bad for Buffy. Come here to Giles. Giles take Buffy somewhere safe and fun."

"Uh Giles? Why are you talking like that?"

"Damnit Xander, you have a better idea?"

Walking over to Buffy, Xander grabbed her arm and led her for the door."See, easy and direct."

"Mmmmm, boy smell good." Sniffing Xanders neck, Buffy grunted at the nice smell."Boy smell very good."

"Oh bloody hell! Give her here before she takes you there on the floor."

"Ooooh, man! Man smell even gooder."

"That's better, Buffy. Man smell better."

Turning to Xander, Buffy patted his chest. "Boy, boy smell nice." Turning back to Giles, she began to rub herself against him. "Man smell better. Buffy like man. Buffy want man."

Snickering, Xander watched as Giles face turned a flaming red."Need help Giles? "

"No, I bloody don't! Go check on Willow and see how she's doing after her ordeal. I couldn't find Oz, so she's alone in your basement.I'll take care of cave Buffy here and take her to my place and knock her out if necessary."

Saying bye to Buffy, Xander left the room. Sighing, Giles took Buffy in his arms and lead her to the door.

"Figures that I finally get your attention when you're in this shape. Come on Buffy, lets get going dear."

"Buffy like man. Man smell goooood. Man look gooood. Buffy mate with man?"

Groaning, Giles shook his head. "Not like this dear. That's a good Buffy, come with man."

He lead her to the car, getting her inside, he hurried and left for his place.

"Buffy scared, how moving?"

"It's a car. Car has wheels and motor. Go vrooom and move."

"Vrooom, vrooom,vrrroooom. Man funny! Buffy like man. Buffy mate with man? Buffy want to mate with man!"

"Lord help me. Come now dear. Here we are. This is my...cave. Come inside."

Walking Buffy inside, Giles was thankful that she wouldn't know what the bulge in his pants was. For the first time that evening, he was thankful for Buffy's condition.

"Hungry, want food now!"

Grabbing her hand, he lead her to his couch."Sit here and I'll get you some food."

Walking into his kitchen, he began to prepare a sandwich for her. He was unprepared for the two arms to wrap around his body and push him against the counter.

"Buffy mate man! NOW!"

"B-Buffy let me go. I'll-I'll mate you dear but not this way. Let man go so he can take you upstairs."

"Trick Buffy?"

Crossing his fingers, Giles told her,"No, I'm not tricking Buffy. Lets go upstairs to my bed. We'll...mate there."

Squealing, Buffy let Giles go and grabbed his hand. Pulling him for the stairs,she tried dragging him up them.

"I can walk. How much is you Buffy? What will you remember come morning?"

Grinning, Buffy bounced up and down. "Buffy mate man now."

Getting her up the stairs, Giles sat her on the bed. Going towards his bathroom, and more importantly, his ropes, he smiled at her and tried to reassure her, "stay right there. Giles will be right back. I'm just going to get more stuff to smell good for Buffy. Then we mate."

Splashing cold water on his face, he tried to keep himself in check. Grabbing the rope from his closet, he hid it behind his back before going back out to face Buffy.

"Here I am dear. You ready?"

Nodding eagerly, Buffy bounced on the bed. Eye's opening wide, she bounced a few more times.

"Soft? Up down, up down.Buffy like. Man here." Patting the bed, she pouted until Giles walked over and sat down next to her.

Reaching his hand out, he stroked Buffy's face softly.

Purring, Buffy rubbed her cheek against his hand. "Man like Buffy? Man want Buffy too?"

Sighing regretfully, Giles nodded, "Yes dear, very much.That's why I'm sorry for what I'm about
to do."

Jumping on top of her, he began to tie her up.

"Bad man, make Buffy MAD!"

Flipping him off her, she threw him down on the bed and used his ropes on him.

"Buffy mad at man. Tie him up. Buffy can mate man now."

"Oh bloody priceless, Buffy let Giles up. Giles sorry but he can't mate Buffy while she's like this. Please untie man."

Straddling his thighs, she ran her hands along his chest. Ripping his shirt in two, she reached down and licked his bare chest.

"No, Buffy want to mate man. Man nice!"

Rubbing herself on his groin, she licked his nipples.

"Oh dear god, please Buffy.I'm just a mortal man. I can't take this."

Purring, Buffy ignored him. Crawling down his body, she looked at his shoes, then at her own bare feet. Jerking his shoes off, she crowed in delight as he groaned.

Looking up at his face, she cocked her head to the side. "Man like what Buffy do? Buffy do good?"

Panting, Giles tried to hold on to what remained of his control. "Buffy, no. Man unhappy. Untie man now and he be happy again."

Sniffling, she began to cry."Man don't want to mate Buffy. No one like Buffy."

"Oh Buffy, no. Giles like Buffy. Giles just can't take advantage of Buffy right now. Buffy is very nice and pretty and any man would be lucky to mate her. Just not like this."

Giggling, Buffy grabbed Giles by his pants. "Man want Buffy! We mate now." Pulling his pants down until they came off, Buffy growled when she saw his underwear.

"Too many stuff.Buffy take care of it for man."

She then ripped his underwear in two as well. "Ohhhh, big man. Man BIG!"

Groaning, Giles was fully mortified now."Buffy, please listen to me!"

"Man talk too much, Buffy shut him up." Crawling back up his body, she covered his mouth with hers.

Coming up to draw a breath, she then began to lick his face.Moaning, she jerked her shirt off her head. Looking down at her bra, she frowned before ripping it off too.

Laying down on his chest, she rubbed her bare breasts against his. "Buffy feel funny.G ood funny. Buffy want more!"

Hopping up, she took her pants off, taking the underwear with them. Standing naked, she ran her hands down her body."Man like Buffy now?"

"Yes Buffy, man does. Come here to me."

Growling with need, Buffy jumped on the bed with Giles. Posing her breasts above his mouth, she grunted at him.

Unable to resist, Giles took her nipple in his mouth and sucked on it."Buffy, please untie Giles so he can touch you. I won't run.I'll mate with you."

Warily, Buffy untied Giles. Watching him, she waited to see what he would do.

Smiling, he reached out and ran his hand over her breast, and down her side. Grasping her by the waist, he pulled her body to his.

"Just one little minute more, dear god this is a dream!" Running his hands over her, he hoped to hell she wouldn't remember this part when the beer wore off.

The two ran their hands and mouths over each others bodies. Grunts, groans and moans took over both their speech. When Buffy went to take him in her mouth, he knew it was time to put a stop to the madness before it was too late.

Regretfully, he grabbed his lamp and knocked Buffy over the head with it. Before passing out, she managed to grab the small night stand and hit Giles in the head. Both fell to the bed with a grunt, out cold.


Groaning with the mother of all headaches, Giles slowly opened his eyes. Sitting up, he looked over to see Buffy staring at him.

"Um, Buffy?"

"Yeah, it's me Giles. Slayer Buffy, not cave Buffy. I'm-ah sorry for last night."

Grimacing, Giles shook his head. "Not your fault. Your were under a spell."

Forgetting her nakedness, Buffy jumped up from the bed. "Damnit! Yes, I was under a spell. But that doesn't mean I didn't know what I was doing. Is it so impossible for you to see that I'm a woman? Yes Giles, I was under a spell. The spell brought out the baser elements of myself. MYSELF Giles. My baser instincts. I wanted you then and I still do now! The only difference is I wasn't afraid to show it last night. I gotta go. I'm sorry for embarrasing you and for...the rest."

Sitting on the bed in shock, Giles tried to sort all the things she had said. Jumping up from the bed, he ran after her. Tackling her in front of the door.

"Stop, just stop for a minute. First off, you're naked. Secondly, Giles want Buffy. We mate now?"

Pushing him back a bit, she looked in his eyes. Seeing the need, outright lust and love, she threw her arms around him, laughing.

"Yes, we mate now."

The End

Note: yeah I know it's a touch far fetched that she would be able to grab the table and knock him out after being hit in the head with a lamp; but this is fiction and I'm using poetic license. I needed for them both to be out cold and this is how I achieved it. So, close your eyes and suspend disbelief and enjoy damnit!